


Dead Boys Don't Cry

by darthearts



Category: SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:03:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13227681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthearts/pseuds/darthearts
Summary: Jonghyun always made Soojung laugh.





	Dead Boys Don't Cry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kim Jonghyun](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kim+Jonghyun).



> I wrote this story as a form of personal remembrance to Jonghyun. I don’t pretend to know depression or what Jonghyun was struggling with. I also don’t pretend to know Jonghyun, his feelings, and thoughts. The only thing I really do know was that he tried his best and he worked hard. I have always believed that suicide is a personal decision. If Jonghyun chose to do it, if he chose to cease this never-ending exhaustion, I respect his choice even though I am deeply grieving. I am terribly saddened that he could only find the peace he was desperately searching for in death.
> 
> Jonghyun, while open about his depression, always showed us the brightest side of himself. He never really showed his demons to his fans. I don’t think he wanted to burden anyone else, other than a select few. Even in death, he did all he could to help the people who surround him. Even though he is no longer physically here, his words, thoughts, and feelings are still alive.
> 
> He is in every stage he performed, every song he sang and wrote, every heart he mended.

** 1.) Dialogue **

She must have looked as good as dead because the second she steps into the studio, Jonghyun smiles sympathetically, squeezing her shoulder gently. He is dressed warmly in a denim jacket and beige pants and he chides her lightly for wearing a mere black turtle neck.

“It’s getting cold lately,” he nags.

He takes off his white cap, setting it down on the table carefully before pushing a bottle of water to her. Soojung manages to flash a grateful smile, which she thinks probably looks more like a grimace. She knows Jonghyun understands; she is in her last week of comeback promotions and this radio schedule takes place at midnight. It feels both more and less than a schedule though; more significant and less burdensome.

“It’s not that cold, oppa,” she assures him.

As always, Jonghyun wears an easy smile and she finds herself laughing quietly because of him.

“I had a favour to ask of you since I really like your voice. I was going to ask you to do a narration in a song I wrote,” Jonghyun says.

“Why didn’t you ask me then?” Soojung asks.

“Because it’s not released yet. I will ask you soon.”

Then _he_ laughs.

 

** 2.) Symptom **

He pushes his hair back before donning his white cap again. The staff tells them to gather for a photo and Soojung automatically runs a hand through her locks in an attempt to tame her hair that gets frazzled when the weather turns cold. Jonghyun approaches her, raising his arms to pat her hair into place.

“It’s all good,” he smiles. “Even if your hair is messed up, you’ll still look pretty.”

“Oppa,” she frowns and scrunches her nose playfully. “You shouldn’t lie.”

He only chuckles.

They pose for the photo, holding similar poses for the camera. Soojung marvels at how much they feel like siblings, so much that dialogue comes naturally to them, that they have established a certain likeness to each other.

When he turns to her, he wraps her in a bear hug and she feels her own arms instinctively wind around him.

“I missed you. Thank you for coming,” he whispers.

The words are only for her to hear and she feels his arms tighten around her—the hug feels tighter than usual. Soojung doesn’t understand why it makes her heart flinch so she ignores it.

“Yah, oppa, promise me that the narration is mine and mine alone.”

This time, she feels rather than hears his laughter, his chest vibrating against her.

 

** 3.) Entropy **

Jonghyun’s house is neat, for once. Soojung feels slightly unnerved by the cleanliness and she laughs it off.

“Oppa, your floors are finally seeing the light of day.” she jabs.

“Having some order feels nice,” he shrugs before grinning. “Sides, I can’t have princess Soojung roaming some random messy abode.”

He makes her laugh, always.

Soojung watches him adjust his tanktop and ruffle his hair. He looks a little unruly, as if he just woke up. He goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge, grabbing two cans of beer.

She spots his inked skin and she briefly wonders why he chose to have imprints in his flesh, why he chose to mark his body.

“Yah, oppa, did it hurt?”

He stills.

“What?”

“The tattoos. They look pretty.”

“Oh,” he says, closing the fridge and placing the cans on the counter. “They were alright. I wouldn’t encourage you to get them though. At least consider for a while before you decide.”

“How long should I consider?” she asks, sliding the can towards her.

He reaches over to click open her can before saying, “Whatever duration you think you need.”

As an afterthought, he adds smilingly, “And tell me before you do.”

Even though he smiles as always, Soojung cannot help but notice something different. It feels like somewhere in between the signs of a blooming flower and the symptoms of a spreading disease.

 

** 4.) Cessation **

He calls her sometime after midnight.

They are both nocturnal but Jonghyun has never called her past midnight. It almost feels like she is on his blue night radio again when she picks up the call.

“Soojung-ah, are you awake?”

“Oppa, if I wasn’t awake, would I be here talking to you?”

He chuckles.

“Nope,” he simply answers.

“So why are you calling me? You seldom call after midnight.”

“I was bored.”

“Am I your source of entertainment now?”

“Yup, Soojungie is the cutest,” he coos.

“Gross, oppa.”

There is a pause and she hears him exhale—it sounds crackled and distorted over the phone.

“Soojung-ah, you’ll still do that narration, right?”

“Of course! I declared that it’s mine.”

He laughs (but it sounds like a cry).

“I’ll save it for you then.”

“You have to.”

“Ah, and are you still going to consider getting tattoos?”

“No, I don’t think I ever will. A princess like me shouldn’t have tattoos.”

He laughs again.

“That’s good.”

“Oppa, you’re seriously so random.”

“I just wanted to know.”

Soojung tenses, her grip on the phone tight. She wishes she were talking to Jonghyun face to face now so that she can see his facial expressions. Then she can recognize that casual smile he always wears because his words now sound so far apart from each other—like the space in between the words mean more than the words themselves.

“Yah, oppa, you sound tired.”

“I am.”

“Go get some sleep then. Goodnight, oppa.”

“Goodnight, Soojung-ah.”

He laughs once more.

And then the line is cut.

 

** 5.) Monologue **

They are probably too scared to tell her, or too caught up in themselves to tell her. Either way, she does not hear it from anybody. Instead, she finds out herself on a cold Monday night.

At first, she thinks it is a joke. She laughs and laughs until her chest is taut and her breath is lost. Then she feels the winter seep into her bones and she clutches at the hem of her shirt until her knuckles go white.

It’s so cold.

She wonders when the cold started to catch up to her when she had always thought it was still warm.

“It’s not that cold, oppa.”

She chokes on her words, sobs wracking her body.

But then she remembers.

(He always made her laugh.)

So she laughs, her breath evaporating into wispy, white smoke.

**Author's Note:**

> To Jonghyun,
> 
> When I first learnt of the news that you chose to stop living, the world continued spinning as if your existence was just one out of billions. It was only when I started to write this that the gravity of your death hit me. You were my first bias who pulled me into the world of k-pop. My very first stories were about you—in a way, you allowed me to discover my passion and gave me the courage to pursue it thoroughly. I wish you’d known that your presence alone allowed so many people to find happiness.
> 
> I wonder what your last thoughts were as your lungs were poisoned and you lost consciousness. I wonder how it felt like to finally take a breath as your last and finally shrug off this mortal coil, this breathless life. I truly hope that you have finally found the peace you were so desperately searching for. While I am mourning and grieving, I am also glad that your pain has ended.
> 
> If somewhere, somehow, you manage to obtain some semblance of consciousness once more, I hope that your life would not be plagued with the absence of happiness.
> 
> Even though it consumed you and ate away at the edges of your mind, in the recesses of your heart, you were still a white rose in full bloom. You were beautiful in your own skin and in your own seasons.
> 
> You’ve worked hard, Jonghyun.
> 
> And now, it’s time to sleep—and dream.


End file.
